February 4th

February 4th
I wasn’t expecting this to be about more healing for the post-natal depression years. On the other hand, Jesus, you did say to me, at the beginning of this year, “Will you invite me into that time?” And I, very reluctantly because I knew it was a time of great grief and hurt and I Didn't Want To Go There Again, Thank You Very Much, said yes.
Okay, I don’t regret that yes. You have healed so much, and you are healing so much. What I resented was that the healing was necessary in the first place. We’re back to board games, aren’t we? I thought you were inviting me into Happy Family Picnic, and I found myself somewhere else completely.

Somewhere dark and scary and painful. Especially painful. And what do we do with pain, us fragile mortals? We take an anæsthetic. And we need them. They’re necessary at times.
So what does an anæsthetic do? It kills the pain and enables us to carry on, to survive, to continue the journey.

And not all anæsthetics are a bad idea. And they weren’t all bad for me, were they? Some of them granted me a brief respite from the hurt. Like books and games and films…
But they weren’t places to be with you, Jesus. They were places to get away from the hurt. They were about respite far more than healing. Escape.
And this is about "with", isn’t it? Bringing all these things back into my life as places of “with” instead of places of escape. I still have to make so many conscious decisions to keep inviting you into this, keep saying, “Come and be part of this, Jesus. I want to do it with you.” You are redeeming the anæsthetics.

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