February 23rd

February 23rd
I’ve just realised something huge, something that all this inviting-into-joy has shown me.
Two things, actually, both about the post-natal depression years..
One, I stopped believing that you wanted to come in to what I was doing.
Two, and much bigger, I couldn’t see what you were inviting me into.
I thought you were just giving me a load of things-to-do in those PND years: love your child, take care of her, protect her childhood: bring love and laughter and play and care and being present to her into it.

Which I did, because I did love her. And I wanted to do what you were asking, because I loved you too, God.
But you weren’t inviting me into anything desirable. That’s the message that got in. You weren’t inviting me into anything, you just wanted me to do a load of stuff. So did you really love me, care about me?

Emily messaged me again, and sent me this song link.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QSIVjjY8Ou8

And what it showed me was this: it’s all about the journey. And the journey I take: it’s the journey to find the answer to the only question I need answering.
Do you love me, Jesus?
Absolutely, totally, no matter what?
And will you always love me?

I can’t love you unless I know you love me.
I can’t love myself unless I know you love me.
I can’t love my neighbour unless I know you love me.

When I know you love me:
I will take care of my body.
I won’t take my question to Rob.
I will say yes to rest when I need it.
I won’t try to forever please others.
I will not be afraid.

And when I don’t do those things, it’s because I don’t know how much you love me.

This is the only thing I need to know. How much you love me.

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