February 1st

The February Experiment. What am I trying to do? Put something in my day, each day for 28 days, that will deepen my relationship with Jesus, basically. Last year, I prayed for people, listened to God for them and wrote to them: a hand-written letter if I could, and it pulled me round to facing outwards again. February was a hard month, and the pull is always to disengage.
This year is so different. This year, what I realised I needed was a new kind of intimacy. My closeness to Jesus has been about fighting on a battlefield together, shoulder to shoulder and back to back, until our swords dripped blood. Closeness, yes, but so tiring.
So what I’m doing is to do something creative each day. With Jesus. And for myself. Not to give away, although I do a lot of that, and still will, but for the joy of the doing and of the company. And I don’t have to finish it either: I can try something and leave it half-done if I want. It’s about the joy of doing something with a close friend, with an elder brother.

February 1st
I’m aiming at a couple of hours a day, although I know some days I won’t have that long. But this day, I did have that two hours. And I started with the board game that I want to design. Just for the fun of making the game. Here’s the picture, and you get points for identifying which of our other games I raided for the pieces!

What has Jesus showed me in this already? Way more than I expected!! He brought up a big realisation, a story, or maybe an agreement made over me and round me, that your spare time should be used productively. For a woman, that plays out as cleaning, tidying, cooking – all the domestic things. And also Doing Stuff For Other People.
And then there’s the doing “spiritual” things with your spare time. Which was only ever reading your Bible, praying, evangelising or worshipping. Worshipping by Listening To Worship Music, not by watching a sunset or swimming in the sea or laughing with delight at the antics of a puppy.

But it isn’t about Being Productive. It’s about relationship, about union. And every single thing we do can either deepen that union or erode it.

It’s not about Being Productive! That’s an idol!
As women, our deep gift for relationship has been perverted into: You should be doing things for other people. Not getting to know them, deeply and intimately.
Relationship with other people has been perverted into Doing things for other people.
Relationship with Jesus has been perverted into Doing things for Jesus.
Eroding union.
And also, Doing Things For Jesus gives me the illusion that I’m in control of the relationship, the direction, the journey, the details.
Following Jesus is something totally different. And wild. And out of my control.
So I chose Follow, in this month. I choose Follow, and all that might mean.

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