7th February

February 7th
A hard day, a hard anniversary - and what I saw was the difference between me doing it with you, Jesus, and deliberately trying to shut you out. This was all about shut you out, find a coping strategy, keep you at arm's length.
Why?
Because you say - and I do believe you - that my healing and my comfort over this deep loss will be found in my grief. That is where you will meet me. But sometimes, I just don't want to go there.

I am rebuilding a partially demolished model. Is this what you are doing with me? Rebuilding the shattered, the demolished? The Lego company talks about the clutch power of their bricks: does it hurt them when they are pulled apart?.

All the stories I write, and all the stories I love most of all, are about rebuilding, restoration. Overgrown gardens, neglected houses: they call out to me, "Come and restore us." Why do I fear you doing that with me?

I could have photographed the finished bits of this build. But this feels more like where I am, who I am. A work in progress, much as I would like to be finished and shiny-perfect all according to the instructions.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

February 23rd

Image
February 23rd I’ve just realised something huge, something that all this inviting-into-joy has shown me. Two things, actually, both about the post-natal depression years.. One, I stopped believing that you wanted to come in to what I was doing. Two, and much bigger, I couldn’t see what you were inviting me into. I thought you were just giving me a load of things-to-do in those PND years: love your child, take care of her, protect her childhood: bring love and laughter and play and care and being present to her into it. Which I did, because I did love her. And I wanted to do what you were asking, because I loved you too, God. But you weren’t inviting me into anything desirable. That’s the message that got in. You weren’t inviting me into anything, you just wanted me to do a load of stuff. So did you really love me, care about me? Emily messaged me again, and sent me this song link. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QSIVjjY8Ou8 And what it showed me was this: it’s all...
Read more

February 8th

Image
February 8th Jesus, I wish following you was as simple as following lego instructions. And that it was as easy to know if you were getting it right. As it is, I feel like whatever I’m trying to build, the brief keeps changing – and sometimes the brief doesn’t seem to match the bricks at all. And sometimes I put my heart and soul into the building and an enemy destroys it. And I end up thinking, Why bother to build at all? Picking up the broken pieces, to rebuild what was shattered, hurts. And you’re not too good with anæsthetics are you, Jesus? I know, I know. I know that what you offer is healing, not numbness. And I know that we live in a war. Well, actually, we live in a love story set in the midst of a war – but sometimes it’s hard to find the love part for the noise and the hurt of the battle. And I just want to Get It Right, because surely if I do that, then I won’t get hurt again? And instead of following you, Jesus, I can just follow the instructions instead. ...
Read more

February 14th

Image
February 14th I didn’t have two hours free yesterday, and that’s fine. I knew there would be some days when I would only have a little time, but looking to find the two hours if I can has made me realise that – at this point in my life – I do have time to spare. Time is a bit like money, isn’t it? Sometimes it’s genuinely in short supply and I have to stretch it round everything carefully. But sometimes it can be a currency I’m just frittering away. And sometimes I’m supposed to be saving it up and not spending it. I think that’s called rest. I played Anno 1404, and I played it as a bit of a wind-down after a full day. And I’ve played it as a coping strategy before now, and what it made me realise was that coping strategies shut out…everything, really. But especially relationships. Especially people. The wife who copes with her husband’s angry moods (this is not me! He’s the one I would marry all over again in a heartbeat!) or the husband who copes with his wife’s cont...
Read more