The February Experiment

February 28th This is the last day of the FebEx – though as Emily-the-Wise pointed out, it’s Lent now, so I can carry on through Lent as well! And I think I will. It started with…inviting you in, Jesus, inviting you in to do the creative together, just for the joy of it, and with no outlines or deadlines. What has it shown me? That it was hard to invite you in. Opposed. That in order to invite you in to joy, I have to invite you in to grief: knowing the one is essential to knowing the other. That there were voices in my life that said I was supposed to cope on my own. And I ought to be productive. And that actually, joy was a bit of a self-indulgence, wasn’t it? Compared to Getting Things Done. And two very unexpected things. One right at the end of the month. About last June Jesus, you said to me, “Will you invite me into those post-natal depression years?” And you have been healing a lot. During those years of undiagnosed post-natal depression, I felt like you w...

February 27th Putting the pieces together. Pattern pieces, game pieces, lego pieces: the whole month has been about putting the pieces together. And putting a few more of the pieces of my story together as well. Because so much was shattered in those years of undiagnosed depression, so much of my understanding of who you were, Jesus, so much of who I had been, who I was. Reading our story aright is so hard sometimes. Four years into following you, Jesus, I thought I knew how the bits fitted together, how to do Being A Good Christian Woman – even if, mostly, I couldn’t manage it (wasn’t blonde, didn’t sing soprano, didn’t like wearing skirts and wasn’t married or engaged). Forty years into following you, I realise I know nothing! Except, maybe, some of the names you have given me. I really can’t find the instructions that tell me how all the pieces go together. Or the rules for how to play the game. I don’t know How To Get It Right. And maybe that’s not even or ever pos...